I think it’s been well-established in this blog that >bounce publishers deeply dislike music that requires thinking. Oh, sure, every in a while we notice a message in between our Roger Rabbitting, but for the most part, we’re just here to dance or make out. Keep your manifestos for the poetry slam, thank you.
And lately, we’ve been listening to some particularly vapid lovelies. They remind us of 1984, when you just needed a drum machine and a shit-talker from the neighborhood to cut a record. In fact, a couple of these have no melody at all - their whole purpose is to bounce that ass. So get it warmed up:
Detroit Grand Pubahs Sandwiches 12″, 2000
Paris the Black Fu was a DJ friend back in my old dusty days in Detroit. He used to write crazy deep poetry with serious illustrations. But he also used to make his own jewelry out of found wire, clear the dance floor with his high kicks, and wear his hair like a pineapple. (Not unlike one of my other favorite crazies!) So I’m glad he didn’t turn out to be a thoughtful emo producer. He makes music about asses.
Def Cut Street Level (Original Tokyo Mix) Street Level: Remixes EP, 2002
This song is really electro, pretty house-y, and has nothing more than a Doobie Brothers sample. I don’t really know why that guy keeps saying “That’s My MAN Throwin’ Down!” but maybe it’s a European thing. Crazy Swiss.
I:Cube Feat. RZA Can You Deal With That? 12″, 2003
This beat is straight filthy 1983, and I’ve never heard RZA sound so laid back. I was so excited when I discovered this song, I made it my ringtone.
Twista Feat. Pharrell Give It Up 12″, 2007
You can be sure that anybody who wears an angry ice cream cone t-shirt is gonna write some dumb rhymes. But the thing is, if that person is Pharrell, it’ll also be over a beat so hot, it could make you consider stopping to pop your ass on your walk to work. What. Nobody saw me.
Hey y’all! I know >bounce has been a little less bouncy lately. Even though I’ve been mad busy, I hope you know I’m still thinking of you, readers. Even when I’m drinking Courvoisier and lampin with D’Angelo and Common, my loyal >bounce crew is always front of mind.
And! I’ve been thinking hard about life, and happiness. The conclusion I came to is this: I like ridiculous shit, and Busta Rhymes makes me happy. On the real. Let me count the ways:
1. He Looks Like a Muppet.
He’s got a big, wide mouth, a ridiculously long index finger, and giant pants. Yay!
3. Rhymes Really Fast
Busta Rhymes raps so fast, he can finish a sentence before starting it. In fact, I never know what this old turnip head is saying. But who cares? He could bust it about federal interest rates, backgammon, or oatmeal, and I’d still bump that shit in the Honda. THAT’s how happy he makes me.
Go ahead, try him:
Leaders of the New School Case Of The P. T. A. A Future Without A Past, 1991
Not sure what this song is about. Something about high school and the Kid N Play kick step?
I Love My Bitch The Big Bang, 2006
So romantic. How could you refuse a man who admires how you fuck with the thugs? It’s not only a weeper, it’s also a perfect will.i.am-produced track.
Don’t Touch Me (Throw Da Water On ‘Em) Blessed, 2008
This is seriously my new favorite. I mean it this time! This head nod shit will make you break ya neck.
The other day I was showing my TOTALLY ADORABLE new shoes to my old man, and I asked him, “Aren’t these the cutest shoes I own?” And he said, “I guess, but don’t you say that about every pair of shoes you buy… ?” Hmmph! My man clearly does not understand the shoe relationship cycle.
I’m kind of like that with music, too - whatever I’m listening to right now is just about the banginest cut I’ve ever heard. Until the next one. Anybody remember Unklejam? me neither.
But this time, it’s different! I think my relationship with UK MC Estelle will be long-term. First of all, she wasn’t born until 1980, but she’s got mad respect for classic soul older than her. She runs her own label, and she rolls with John Legend, Kanye and Swizz Beats. Also: her grill is straight wrecked, and I kind of respect that.
Estelle 1980 The 18th Day, 2004
Estelle’s first big UK hit.
Musiq Soulchild Featuring Estelle People Everyday Meet the Browns OST, 2008
About TIME somebody started remaking the REAL classics by the REAL masters, like Milwaukee’s own Arrested Development!
Estelle Wait A Minute (Just a Touch) Shine, 2008
The first single, kind of made up of crazy shit mashed together that works really well. That “OH.” gets me every time. Borrows liberally from:
Screamin’ Jay Hawkins I Put A Spell On You 45, 1969
Yikes! This song scares me, no lie. Put this on and I will run out the room.
and:
Slave Just A Touch Of Love Just A Touch Of Love, 1979
Disco classic with a nasty bassline.
Estelle In The Rain Shine, 2008
Oh god, this is so girly. It’s all summer storms and movie soundtrack. Sounds suspiciously like:
Love Unlimited Walkin’ In The Rain With The One I Love Love Unlimited, 1974
Written, produced, and arranged by the late Barry White after a conversation (and frenching) with the lead singer.
When was the last time you heard a decent cowbell in a song? Of course, you can hear your run-of-the-mill “Low Rider” and “Hey Ladies” any damn day.
But a well-placed cowbell is really a gift. Deceptively tinny and deceivingly lowbrow, the cowbell is a creeper instrument. It starts out with a little tink-tink sound - you barely know it’s there - often growing more pronounced until folks are shaking asses up, down and all around without even knowing what got them there.
However! The cowbell can also be an instrument of evil. Beware the cowbell’s unnatural power over weddings and bar mitzvahs, as evidenced in Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music” and the most wretched of all cowbell songs, Tone Loc’s “Funky Cold Medina.”
Let’s get to the awards: here are my five all-time favorite cowbell joints, in ascending order.
5. Master Jay & Michael Dee T.S.O.B. 12″, 1980
Perfect, perfect. So perfect. Master Jay & Michael Dee spit over the Sound of Brooklyn, which I guess is a couple of hot boogie breaks, a kick, a snare and a cowbell the size of Madison Square Garden.
4. Sugarhill Gang 8th Wonder 8th Wonder, 1981
Cowbell use here is almost under the radar, creating the unconscious funkiness. But still: Woo-Hah! They got you all in check.
3. Michael Jackson Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough Off The Wall, 1979
Nothing much needs to be said here, except DAMN, MIKE! If you were thinking right, you woulda spent all that surgery money on a time machine and a week of Quincy Jones’ production. You coulda been somebody again…
2. Quincy Jones Sanford & Son (The Streetbeater) 45, 1973
And speaking of Quincy, how could such a fine-ass man write such a nasty, funky TV theme? It sounds like a LeMans with no muffler, Fat Albert and a rusty old cowbell.
1. Sergio Mendes Brasil ‘88 I’ll Tell You Magic Lady, 1979
This has got to be the hottest cowbell song of all time. It has everything: handclaps, growling female vocalist, and the lyrics make no damn sense. It’s like somebody poked their head in the studio to ask for directions to the Piggly Wiggly or some shit, and Sergio said, “Write zees down! Eet’s a song!” or however you say it in Brazilian. And then he brought out the cowbell and it was ON.
So what about you? What’s your favorite cowbell song? Don’t act like you don’t have one.
After years of toiling, I’ve finally hit the big time. I’ve been selected as a finalist as one of America’s next Top Hot Messes!
But now it’s up to you, readers. Can you make me and Morris Day stars? I have to be honest, the competition is top-notch - not sure how I could ever compete with #11, but I’m gonna try.
Vote for hot mess #5 here! And in honor of all the messes, a song from the year this picture was taken:
Hey my people. Just wanted to drop a line and let you know I’m still here - I guess my real life (I mean the non-ridiculous one where I have a job and a family and talk about other stuff besides obscure boogie and frenching) has been keeping me away from my bloggy blog lately.
But I haven’t forgotten about you. I’ll be back in the next few weeks…
Until then, enjoy a couple joints I can’t stop with these days:
It’s Valentine’s day today, and here at Morebounce Publications, that means just one thing: lots of love. We may come across as hardened old goats, but deep down inside, we’re softies. And we got love for you, dear readers. If you were here right now, we’d french every one of you. That’s how much we feel in our hearts today. Yes, we’d get tired, and we’d run out of spit, but if that’s what it took to show our love, we’d put in that extra effort.
But keep them meat hooks to yourself, cause I got a man and I don’t get down like that.
Anyway! In honor of our deep and tender feelings on this day: six of the deepest and sweetest joints of all time. Happy Valentine’s day.
Bahamadia Real Love Good Rap Music, 2006
We love Bahamadia, don’t we? Remember how we used to make out to Kollage all the time?
Lionel Richie Love Will Conquer All Dancing On The Ceiling, 1986
Do NOT front with me and act like you don’t bump this on the downlow. We are in love, which means I know you better than that.
D’Angelo I Found My Smile Again Yoda: The Monarch Of Neo-Soul, 2007
I thought I’d spice up our relationship with some straight hotness, personified in D’Angelo. I do not care if he’s fat or a smack fiend; I would french the hell out of him any damn day. What’s that? No, of course he’s not hotter than you, silly. C’mere.
Quincy Jones Feat. James Ingram One Hundred Ways The Dude, 1981
Learn it.
Force M.D.’s Tender Love Tender Love, 1985
The best harmonizing from the best r&b group of the ’80s. The BEST. Remember that honey hanging out the window in the video? No? Let me fresh your memory:
The Thriller video is 25, y’all. Happy birthday to one of the most seriously bangin joints of all time, with the most seriously sick choreography. Don’t act like you don’t know it in your damn sleep, people.
And don’t act like you don’t have an original leather Thriller jacket hanging in your closet. Oh wait. That’s me.
Look, I knew what I was getting into when I moved my ass back to the Midwest. Football, freezing winters and casseroles. For real, did you know you can feed six at a potluck with not much more than a can of cream soup and some Tater Tots?
But this winter has gone too far. The temperature has been below zero all weekend, nobody’s car is starting, and my skin feels like dust. I can’t take it any more. There are only so many pairs of socks a girl can wear until the Air Force Ones don’t fit!
I need summer back. But until then, I’ll have to settle for a couple of these warm, sunny jammies. With a nice hot casserole, of course.
Bar-Kays Too Hot to Stop Too Hot to Stop, 1976
Filthy funk; if this doesn’t make your ass sweat, your ass must be broke. Or you’re not looking at the picture above closely enough. Thank God for this song. Nobody’s asking you to stop, Bar-Kays.
Leon Ware Why I Came to California 12″, 1982
Motown producer and Detroit native Leon Ware knew how to do it. Knock out a few masterpieces for Marvin Gaye like “After the Dance” and “I Want You,” then get your shit out to the West Coast, where you’ll never scrape another damn windshield. Write a song about it.
The Sun Sun Is Here Sunburn, 1978
Oh lawd, The Sun! These poor freezing boys from Dayton, Ohio knew what it was like to wreck a pair of gators in the snow. What to do? Write this heater to fight off the elements, of course. Sadly, this was their only hit, so they’re probably still in Dayton in front of the radiator right now.
Big Daddy Kane Warm It Up, Kane It’s a Big Daddy Thing, 1989
Nobody warms it up like the Kane. I heard he never gets cold.
Lupe Fiasco Sunshine Food & Liquor, 2006
Lupe’s from Chicago, so not only does he have deep knowledge of the cold, he’s withstood the crazy gale force winds they get down there. This joint’s so pretty, you almost forget it’s off an album named for the corner stores all over Chicagoland. Stores Lupe probably walked through the blizzards to get to. Ooh, look at me, I just made a circle!
I woke up this morning and it was 2008. What the hell happened to 2007? It went faster than Fu-Schnickens over a ghettotech beat!
There were a grip of songs that made all of us at Morebounce Publications take notice, though. Some were on fire, some were straight crazy, and others made us wonder what we did to make the gods angry. But either way, we’re here to share them with you, the readers who carried our lazy asses through 2007.
So here’s to you, readers! 2007’s most notable cuts:
Grand Pubah Let’s Go Top Shelf 8/8/88, 2007
Turns out that Top Shelf album wasn’t from 1988 at all, but a meticulously crafted throwback project. It was hot to death, though, and this is my favorite joint. Throw your hands in the air, if you wit it, let’s go!
Kinfolk Kia Shine Krispy Due Season, 2007
Do you know anybody in 2007 who (1) didn’t refer to their shoes/hair/game as “krispy,” or (2) announce that they were through buying Bapes, since they got “errrrrry purrrr?” Me neither. The song itself is ridiculous, but damn. It had reach this year.
Mary J. Blige Just Fine Growing Pains, 2007
Ooh, Morebounce loves us some Mary J. This single for her new album is crazy infectious, and it makes us happy.
UGK Feat. Outkast International Players Anthem Underground Kingz, 2007
Damn shame Pimp C. left us last fall - we need about 40 more of these jammies this year. It’s sublime.
Fantasia Hood Boy Single, 2007
I won’t front on this one, it’s nothing to call Kanye over. But I’m just happy to see li’l Celie keep her grind going.
Chamillionaire Feat. Slick Rick Hip Hop Police Ultimate Victory, 2007
Nice to hear a song that’s actually about something. Slick Rick works that patch up in there!
Funkdoobiest Hip Hop Music Single, 2007
Now, I know I’m heavily biased toward anything that sounds as old school as this. But dayum. There’s a reason folks go crazy for the ’80s!
Pop It Off Boyz Crank Dat Batman Single, 2007
Stop it. Makes me want to take to my bed.
Jason Fox Feat. Hood Presidents Aunt Jackie Single, 2007
Dumb, but fun. I’m not mad at young Jason. I think this made some nice ringtones out there…
Kevin Mega Always Be Your Girl After 2 Nite, 2007
I’ve got to give some love to Milwaukee’s own Kevin Mega. I love this cut right here, with its rolling basslines, laid back rhymes and shout outs to both Redroom and Malcolm. Cop the whole album on iTunes.
I think it’s been well-established in this blog that >bounce publishers deeply dislike music that requires thinking. Oh, sure, every in a while we notice a message in between our Roger Rabbitting, but for the most part, we’re just here to dance or make out. Keep your manifestos for the poetry slam, thank you.
Hey y’all! I know >bounce has been a little less bouncy lately. Even though I’ve been mad busy, I hope you know I’m still thinking of you, readers. Even when I’m drinking Courvoisier and lampin with D’Angelo and Common, my loyal >bounce crew is always front of mind.
The other day I was showing my TOTALLY ADORABLE new shoes to my old man, and I asked him, “Aren’t these the cutest shoes I own?” And he said, “I guess, but don’t you say that about every pair of shoes you buy… ?” Hmmph! My man clearly does not understand the shoe relationship cycle.
When was the last time you heard a decent cowbell in a song? Of course, you can hear your run-of-the-mill “Low Rider” and “Hey Ladies” any damn day.
Hey my people. Just wanted to drop a line and let you know I’m still here - I guess my real life (I mean the non-ridiculous one where I have a job and a family and talk about other stuff besides obscure boogie and frenching) has been keeping me away from my bloggy blog lately.
It’s Valentine’s day today, and here at Morebounce Publications, that means just one thing: lots of love. We may come across as hardened old goats, but deep down inside, we’re softies. And we got love for you, dear readers. If you were here right now, we’d french every one of you. That’s how much we feel in our hearts today. Yes, we’d get tired, and we’d run out of spit, but if that’s what it took to show our love, we’d put in that extra effort.
Look, I knew what I was getting into when I moved my ass back to the Midwest. Football, freezing winters and casseroles. For real, did you know you can feed six at a potluck with not much more than a can of cream soup and some Tater Tots?
I woke up this morning and it was 2008. What the hell happened to 2007? It went faster than Fu-Schnickens over a ghettotech beat!